Moms in Babeland

Q: What should I do when my 12-year-old asks me invasive questions about my sex life?

Amy Lang, MA answers our tough questions about talking to kids about sex. She appears as part of Moms in Babeland’s celebration of National Family Sex Education Month.

Q: What should I do when my 12-year-old asks me invasive questions about my sex life? For example, after she learned about BJs in school, she came home and asked if I give Daddy BJs. How can I answer her questions honestly without telling her too much about our sex life?

Amy: Run away!!!!! Just kidding. Look at it this way, do you want to know anything about your parent’s sex life? I didn’t think so. She probably doesn’t “really” want to know if you give her Daddy BJs. Heck, I don’t want to know either!

This is a question that tons of parents have — what do I say when my kid asks me about my sex life? I think the answer is pretty simple. Everyone has varying degrees of comfort with personal questions; you need to figure out what yours is.

When you decide how much you are comfortable revealing — and none is fine — then you need to come up with some scripts for talking to them. I can hear some of you thinking “But, Amy, I’m sex positive. I don’t want to hide anything from my child because I want her to see how open and askable I am!”

Seriously, kids really do not want to know the details of their parents’ sex lives. They are cool with knowing we have sex, that it’s a healthy and fun part of our relationships and that’s it. And they like knowing that we know what’s what so they can get info from us.

Here are some scripts.

You can depersonalize it a bit:

“That’s a great question. Sex and sexual behavior are really private things, so most of the time people don’t talk about what they do or don’t do with their partners. I feel funny talking to you about my sexual relationship with Daddy because it’s a private part of our life.”

You can answer it straight on:

“Interesting question. Your Dad and I have a great sex life that involves oral sex sometimes. This probably sounds gross to you, but that’s because you’re a kid and this isn’t something for kids.”

You can turn it into a question for her:

“Great question! I remember wondering the same thing about my parents when I was a kid. What do you think about all this sex stuff that you’re hearing about?”

Have an anecdote or a comment about talking to your kids about sex? You can win prizes by posting comments on Moms in Babeland during October. Details.

Amy Lang, MA Guest Blogger
A sexual health educator for over 20 years, Amy Lang teaches parents and other folks how to talk to kids of any age about the birds and the bees. She is the author of the Mom’s Choice Award®  winning Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, and Relationships and The Ask ANYTHING Journal. She created the lively and engaging video Birds + Bees + Kids: The Basics so parents can learn how to talk to their kids about sex and values without leaving the couch! Sign up for her newsletter and teleclasses at

Related posts:

  1. Q: How should I handle my niece’s sex questions and my sister’s need (or right) to know?
  2. Q: How do I talk to my 5-year-old about masturbation?
  3. Q: Both my girls get all grossed out when I try to use sex terms. How can I help them get more comfortable with the subject?
  4. Q: I don’t want to make heterosexual intercourse the definition of “sex.” To me oral, anal, hand jobs, same gender sex: it’s all equally part of the deal. So how do I present it that way?
  5. Q: When (if ever) should I show my child a photograph of an aroused adult, or of adults having sex?

topics: Parenting

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