Moms in Babeland

Q: I don’t want to make heterosexual intercourse the definition of “sex.” To me oral, anal, hand jobs, same gender sex: it’s all equally part of the deal. So how do I present it that way?

Amy Lang, MA answers the Moms in Babeland’s questions about talking to kids about sex. She appears as part of our celebration of National Family Sex Education Month.

Q: I don’t want to make heterosexual intercourse the definition of  “sex.” To me oral, anal, hand jobs, same gender sex: it’s all equally part of the deal. So how do I present it that way? It seems harder to talk about oral or anal because there is no procreative cover — it’s all about pleasure.

Amy: This is a great question because most parents struggle with the idea of sex for pleasure, even though that’s what we’re all doing most of the time! You need to tell them most of the time people have sex for pleasure, because it feels good.

For me, this is a conversation that should happen in early middle school. Try saying something like this to expand on the notion: “There is a whole bunch of different stuff that is considered part of sex or sexual behavior. Most of the time when someone says ‘sex’ they mean intercourse, but I believe it’s more than this. This can include things like oral and anal sex, mutual masturbation, masturbating someone else and a whole bunch of other things.”

You really don’t need to go into much more detail, they will figure it out. Sometimes we think we need to be the Moregasm for our kids — we don’t. They will figure it out, just like we did!

Have an anecdote or a comment about talking to your kids about sex? You can win prizes by posting comments on Moms in Babeland during October. Details.


Amy Lang, MA Guest Blogger
A sexual health educator for over 20 years, Amy Lang teaches parents and other folks how to talk to kids of any age about the birds and the bees. She is the author of the Mom’s Choice Award®  winning Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, and Relationships and The Ask ANYTHING Journal. She created the lively and engaging video Birds + Bees + Kids: The Basics so parents can learn how to talk to their kids about sex and values without leaving the couch! Sign up for her newsletter and teleclasses at www.BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com

Related posts:

  1. Q: What should I do when my 12-year-old asks me invasive questions about my sex life?
  2. Q: Both my girls get all grossed out when I try to use sex terms. How can I help them get more comfortable with the subject?
  3. Q: The kids hear so much in school the negative side effects of sex. Do you have any tips on how to offer a more pleasure-positive counterpoint?
  4. Q: How should I handle my niece’s sex questions and my sister’s need (or right) to know?
  5. Q: When (if ever) should I show my child a photograph of an aroused adult, or of adults having sex?

topics: Parenting


One Response to “Q: I don’t want to make heterosexual intercourse the definition of “sex.” To me oral, anal, hand jobs, same gender sex: it’s all equally part of the deal. So how do I present it that way?”

  1. Ann says:

    I agree. It is important to let them know that “sex” is more than just intercourse and with these other sex acts comes many of the same emotional or health risks that intercourse does. It’s like kids thinking that oral is just “making out” and not sex. Or that anal isn’t sex so they don’t need to use condoms for it because they won’t get pregnant. I have seen both of these situations happen with 14-15 year olds and if they had just been given all the information up front, they would have been informed enough to make proper decisions and use proper precautions.

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