Frank Sex Advice from a Father to his Daughter
I wanted to share with you a letter a friend of mine wrote, a father, for his 18-year-old daughter as she headed off to college.
My Sweet Daughter,
I have taught you so much over the years, and now I need to talk to you a bit about love and sex. I want to share with you the little bit I’ve learned in my life, and offer you a man’s perspective, to help set you on a path toward happy and satisfying relationships. As you move through them, you get to write your own detailed and profound beginnings, middles and perhaps ends on this subject.
First, let me also acknowledge that what a man, a partner, a father says about sex is limited to what they know, what they have experienced, what they can imagine. And, this also assumes you are interested in men. If it is women, or both for you, than much of this still applies, please change the pronouns.
- A man needs to be taught what feels good to a woman. You are the teacher. Men see examples, many bad, in Internet porn or the like, but that may not include what you like, so you need to be the real thing, the real teacher, not an example or a stereotype. You need to create, lead, teach the tender or wild or whatever sex you like at the moment with that partner. Many men need to be told to slow down and explore what feels good to the woman they are with.
- Pregnancy should not be a surprise. Use contraception. Don’t assume your partner will take care of it, and don’t take “no” for an answer. Sex is better without that risk. Same for AIDS and other transmitted diseases. Research your options in advance and if you choose condoms, which are especially good for disease prevention, learn how to put them on your man with style and flourish.
- The setting is important. Awkward settings may be associated with tense, exciting, explosive sex, but they can also be disappointing if you are inhibited by time, discomfort, fear of being discovered, etc. Look for peace and privacy when you want to get to know and harmonize with someone.
- Young men are easy to please. Many young women are harder to please. So sex between young people needs to be about the woman first. This is an easy thing for a man to say to a man, but how does a woman say it to a man? Gently and clearly! You will be rewarded in the long (and short) run.
- Sex is in our minds, even more than in our bodies. Who and why we are attracted to someone is one of the mysteries of the universe, so allow yourself to acknowledge the minds and bodies that are interesting to you. Try not to have sex with men you do not find exciting. It usually just doesn’t go as well. And remember, drugs make us less discriminating and can impair ordinarily sound judgment.
- Friendship is important. My experience, looking back to time before marriage, is that friendship enhances sex greatly (love can make it unpredictable, amazing, and hyper-emotional). Friendship acts as a communication catalyst that allows some lovers to talk about sex (and talk about love too) and to make sex mutually amazing or even transcendent.
- Sometimes sex is about the woman only, or the man only, and the joy comes in giving pleasure to one’s partner. The key to this is taking turns. If your partner does not practice a perceived equity in satisfying you, teach him to, or move on. Sex is often an indicator of how other parts of the partnership will go.
- Be creative. Experiment if you want, but be in control. Communicate as you experiment. Try fantasy, which can include many different roles and props, and adds a levity to sex you will enjoy.
- Let a special man be your teacher. Let him teach you exactly how he likes to be touched–without being offended. No book or video can match play-by-play feedback.
Finally, keep in mind that transcendent sex comes with a mental connection and a love that soars over the boundaries of everyday conventions; it delights in each moment and in expectation of the next without needing to move from now to then. It lives with less concern for orgasm and more delight in play, in touching, in kissing. It lives in glowing sensation and desire, spawned as a side effect of two minds harmonizing.
With infinite love,
- Dad’s Advice to Son: Deciding When You’re Ready for Sex
- Best Sex Advice from Mom
- Great Gifts for Father’s Day
- Sex Advice to a Teenager
- Q: At what age is it OK to tell my daughter where the stash of condoms is and invite her to use them?