Written by Rachel on 3.10.2011 | 1 Comment
By now you may have heard of the Northwestern professor who offered his Human Sexuality class the opportunity to stay after class one day to see a sex demo. The demo in question was a man stimulating a woman with a machine powered dildo. No mere vibrator, this was a reciprocating saw modified for high powered fucking.
Now I’m a little aghast to find myself making a little moue of disapproval. I’m all for sex education. I’m all for vibrators. I’ve gone to college classrooms with a bag of toys and the eager smile and glad-handing of a military recruiter. People need to know about sex and get encouragement to explore what turns them on.
But a real live woman screaming and squirting on the dais? Would talking about it be enough? Should a University be more dignified? I’m sure it was fun, and everyone was probably aroused, which could perhaps be considered experiential learning. No doubt it made more of an impression than a mere lecture.
Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 3.3.2011 | 3 Comments
So episode 4 of Oprah’s All Stars has a lesbian couple asking the panel (Suze Orman, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and moderator Gayle King) if they should circumcize their (soon to be born) son. Thank you Oprah, for getting the pregnant lesbians on the show- you are doing great with the lesbo representation! Having awkwardly-out Suze Orman there added an element of ridiculousness, as she squealed when Dr. Oz asked her to hold his demo penis/sock puppet. Add to that oft-accused lesbian Gayle King’s repeated and irrelevant insistence that cut cocks “look better” and it was a bit of a circus.
I have no opinion on whether Gayle and Oprah are lovers or not, but I do have an opinion on circumcision. I think our bodies are created perfectly and that all of our parts are there for a reason. Our medical establishment has a habit of thinking that they are improving nature’s design. For example doctors used to prophylactically remove appendixes and tonsils with cavalier abandon. But it turns out that both of these organs likely serve immunological functions.
Similarly the foreskin has a purpose, which is protecting the extremely sensitive head of the penis. Circumcised men lose sensation in this area from the constant friction of rubbing against things. Pleasure is good, and I want my children to have full access to the pleasures of the body.
The current medical argument for circumcision is that germs can get trapped between the foreskin and the penis and thus pass infections on to sexual partners. But if men wash themselves that solves that problem. Teaching basic hygiene seems like a better idea that genital surgery as a form of prevention. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 2.24.2011 | 2 Comments
When other parents ask me for advice on keeping the home fires burning I tell them, ironically, to see solace in the nearest hotel.
Seriously. Sometimes it’s not just a matter of getting the kids to sleep and lighting a few candles. The bedroom is still part of the house and the house is where so many of the stresses are, like the rent and the dishes and the lawn that needs to be mowed.
Getting into a fresh anonymous hotel room helps you leave it all that domesticity behind. No hamper in the corner hissing out its message of tasks to do. No chance of being interrupted by a sleepy toddler. No noticing the crack in the ceiling and wondering what and when and how to fix it. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 2.7.2011 | 2 Comments
Beyonce was onto something with her hit song “Put a Ring on It”, but it wasn’t until Justin Timberlake’s SNL parody (see below) that we saw the true secret of the song revealed: marital bliss can be yours if you just put a vibrating cock ring on him.
Adding a toy is a simple way to shake things up. Will we both like it? What will it add? As Babeland’s founder, I have recommended a vibrating cock ring for years because they are so versatile and have something for both partners.
- It can be worn as intended around the base of the penis to create a stronger erection, and the vibrator will (hopefully!) feel good to both parties.
- Rotate the vibe side up for clitoral action and down for prostate fun.
- Insert fingers through the ring and use it to augment a hand job.
- Or just hold it against her clit and use it as a plain old vibe. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 12.21.2010 | 1 Comment
Now that every trip to a movie theater requires me to shell out for a babysitter as well as tickets for the show, I do most of my movie watching at home. It’s Complicated, starring Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin (two of my faves) finally made it to HBO. The funny pair play a long divorced couple who find themselves having a steamy affair.
Towards the end of the film Streep’s character has to explain to their adult children that the pair will not be reuniting. “This was something I had to do for me,” she explains to the confused twenty-somethings. And then, because it’s a boomer generation wish fulfillment type movie, and she has perfect children, they all share a group hug.
I like the sentiment of “I had to do it for me.” There is so much we sacrifice for our kids. (Seeing movies out being one example). But we need to hold on to a certain amount of selfishness, call it “self-care,” in order to hang on to who we are.
When we lose ourselves by shaping our lives entirely around those we love, loss of vitality is sure to result. My favorite couples book, Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, hammers home the point that couples need the inner strength to disagree with each other, to stick up for themselves, and that learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes from conflict will pay vast dividends in true intimacy and hot sex.
Something similar must be true regarding parenting. If we hold onto ourselves, tolerate letting our kids down sometimes because something we want for ourselves takes precedence, maybe a deeper intimacy with our kids is possible. By intimacy, I mean being known, not being appreciated. They probably won’t rush in for a big hug when you say “I had to do it for me.”
But it’s good anyway. For them, and for you.
Written by Rachel on 11.29.2010 | No Comments
Zestra, a women’s arousal cream, marketed as something akin to a “female Viagra,” is being denied advertising time. The ads, which do not mention anything more salacious than the word “sensitivity,” are considered too racy for prime time radio or TV. The only slots the Zestra makers can get are after midnight. Meanwhile most TV watchers have become so used to ads for erection enhancers that warnings of long lasting erections hardly merit a chuckle anymore.
Erections are fine to talk about any ol’ time of day or night, but female desire is strictly late night fare. How unfair!
This reminds me of the whole phenomenon in which Viagra, etc. are covered by insurance, but birth control pills are not. Something as intrinsic to women’s well being as choosing if and when to have a child gets no support, but a guy’s erection is subsidized. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 11.15.2010 | 2 Comments
I feel so moved by recent stories of moms standing up for their young gender non-conforming sons. My friend over at Lesbian Dad has a sweet post about her 4-year-old son’s fear of going to school in the fairy costume that he loves. And Nerdy Apple Bottom‘s angry recounting of the other preschool mother’s reactions to her son’s Daphne costume was thrilling. The post went viral and got over 40,000 comments. Something about a Mama Tiger makes me want to cheer. And something about a little boy in a dress makes me want to cry.
To me that is the image of innocence, and of bravery. It’s so disappointing that our culture is dropping the hammer on the self-expression of our sons at such a young age. “He’s only 5…” I think. And then it occurs to me what if he was 14? Or 24? At any age it should be ok for any person to wear pink, or a dress, or a pink dress.
I hope we’re moving that way. The amazing success of the It Gets Better Project shows a degree of love and acceptance that wasn’t there a few years ago. The viral project features videos by legions of people urging young people who are considering suicide due to the bullying or shame they’re experiencing for being gay or gender non-confoming to stick around and make it out of high school. Recently a number of such young people have killed themselves. As young as 13. 13!!! Doesn’t that break your heart?
Some of the people who have taken the time to make a video for the project include Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. Of the ones I’ve seen my favorite is by a Fort Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns. See if you can watch it without tearing up. Perez Hilton, Tim Gunn and K$sha have submitted, as have thousands of everyday people. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 11.10.2010 | 2 Comments
A recent issue of Seattle magazine is a paean to the robust Seattle coffee scene. Lots of interesting factoids about beans and baristas, but what jumped out at me was this statistic; of their survey respondents, 4% said they’d rather forgo sex than miss out on coffee.
Wow. Forever? Or just in the morning? I suppose that just as alcoholics live sober by forgoing drinking one day at a time, a person could inadvertently miss out on morning sex forever by rushing for java every day rather than grabbing a morning quickie.
But what if it was all day and forever? What would you give up sex for?
One co-worker allowed he’d give it up for money. But then we got into heavy negotiations- it went up to a million bucks a year for no sex, including masturbation.
Money’s tempting, but I’m too romantic. Wouldn’t life lose it’s vibrancy without sex? Colors would dull, and how much pleasure would I get from my awesome seven-bridge-view mansion with no sexy juiciness making me feel alive?
A USA Today poll found that half of women would rather give up sex than gain ten pounds. Wow again. Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 11.4.2010 | 6 Comments
We recently asked our Facebook friends what they learned about sex growing up, and it became clear that the clitoris was (and is) given scant attention in most birds and bees talks that happen both at school and at home. How can there be a curriculum in sex ed, or any talk that touches on the basics of sexual pleasure, that fails to mention the clit?!
Apparently there can be, and it’s not uncommon. And as many of our Facebook friends pointed out, not having information left them to make up their own stories about their bodies. Here’s what Liz said: “The first time I saw mine, I thought it was a little tiny penis and I had been born a hermaphrodite and my parents just never told me.” We read many stories about kids who thought they had a disease, a growth, or felt something was wrong with them.
I’m not sure whether parents are assuming kids are learning sex stuff in school or teachers think kids are learning about it at home, but it’s better to seize the reins and be pro-active! Better to be annoyingly thorough than leave gaps in their knowledge.
Not only do people need to know that the clit exists, but what it is for. Here’s another Facebook post: “I JUST learned a few years ago that most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone and that the clit needs stimulation. WTF? I wish I had known that when I was younger.” Read the full post »
Written by Rachel on 10.25.2010 | No Comments
In our recent Facebook survey we asked what was the best piece of sex advice folks got when they were young and who gave it to them. Here’s one of my faves, from Nekele: “When I told my mom a boyfriend was pressuring me to have sex with him (I was 14), she said to me, “you have a gift to give to someone. Make sure they are worthy of that gift.” She taught me it was sacred! Thank you mom!”
What I love about what Nekele’s Mom’s message is that sex is good (a gift), and that Nekele should really think about if she wants to do it with that person. So much of what kids hear about sex is that it’s bad and dirty and dangerous, and no, no no! Yet it’s compelling at the same time, after all, it’s a basic biological drive. The result of that internal conflict is a lot of kids drinking and otherwise checking out of their early sexual experiences.
I want my kid to be conscious and “checked in.” So while I probably wouldn’t go so far as to say that a potential partner has to be “worthy,” I do want to get the message across that sex is powerful and important. And of course stay true to my message that it is also good, and fun and common and delightful.
So thanks Nekele’s Mom, for giving me a starting point to find my own words.
Have an anecdote or a comment about talking to your kids about sex? You can win prizes by posting comments on Moms in Babeland during October. Details.
